Isn’t the Internet GREAT? So many cute odd-couple animal videos to watch, so many informative articles to half-read and bookmark for later, so much to learn—like how to make whipped cream in a jar!—so much fun you get to see your friends having (without you) on Facebook.
But who needs friends anyway, right? All their fears and insecurities, dreams and desires, complications and idiosyncrasies, their problems and need to vent, their successes and impetus to “share,” their… their… utter human-ness. It’s all too much.
We have better things to do. Allow me to fast-track your road to total independence with my handy dandy guide to ridding yourself of that emotional baggage and hopping the hobo train to a friend-free existence NOW! Ah, can you taste the freedom?? Yeah, it could use a little salt. Maybe some lime. Whatever, here we go.
1. Quit Your Office Job. The quickest, most surefire way to lose those pesky friends—well, all friends, really—is to not have anyone to talk to during the day. This is a like a “kill two friends with one stone” scenario: you not only lose the camaraderie of working with people towards a common goal, but you also lose the ability to communicate with people at all. Winning!
2. Acquire a Relationship. “Friends Before Ho’s/Bro’s”? Yeah, right. That tired trope only exists for 20-somethings destined to a series of failed relationships and thinning hair. Bonus points if you have a healthy relationship. Troubled relationships usually mean there are issues to discuss—WITH FRIENDS—and, as everybody knows, nobody relates to happiness.
3. Don’t Have Kids. Children… who doesn’t love them? I mean, you haven’t really lived until you’ve birthed or laid claim to one of your own—and Instagrammed their every precious moment! Plus, you enter the highly coveted world of The Parent: adored by toddler and later (after a little therapy and distance) adult offspring, temporarily hated by teens, yet esteemed by all mankind into perpetuity. The End. But do you really want that kind of relatability and increased capacity for compassion and nurturing, if you hope to live an isolated, disconnected life devoid of human contact? I didn’t think so. Keep your eye on the prize, people!
4. Happy Birthday! Studies show that the older you get, the harder it is to make friends. Superficial assholes that they are. But fuck ‘em if they don’t recognize the benefits of latching onto someone with a few wrinkles, aches, perpetually repeated stories, and a lifetime of issues you get to uncover in half the time. You’re all going to die soon anyway.
5. Be a Writer. Nothing repels a well-balanced, level-headed, sane person more than the noble pursuit of writing. The perks are endless. Extended periods of time alone. Check! Aloof and/or distracted disposition as you secretly devise ways to express (read: exploit) the joys of your friendship. Check! Swiftly changing moods of giddy self-indulgence and gloomy self-doubt as you expect your friends to alternate smoothly between cheerleader, therapist and hardcore boot camp coach? Double check! Inability to socialize or communicate effectively in a lighthearted or superficial manner befitting of a networking or partying atmosphere? Check, please!
In conclusion, you must be congratulated for reading this far. But that would be something a friend would say. And I am no friend, friend. See you on Twitter!
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